A Passenger shares the things he wishes flight attendants would stop doing

I saw this spam on Facebook the other day ‘Flight Attendants Share the 8 things they wish passengers would stop doing‘.  Yes, it was a Facebook link – do you really think I peruse sites called fashionbeans.com directly?  I am way below that.

While it was a kind of fun article it was also total daft crap too – the first two events are a little too specifically dated or on record to be passed off as anything other than anecdotes.  After all I am sure ‘posing like a white rapper’ isn’t actually a common thing that flight attendants would list as one of the eight things they’re tired of witnessing.  But I understand – it’s viral click baity nonsense…and I fell for it.

Still, I felt this article was too one-sided so I thought I would list things from a passengers point of view:

Telling us during the on-boarding process to move out of the aisle as soon as possible/we reach our seat [so that passengers may get to their seats].

While perhaps well intended, the fact is passengers aren’t in the aisle for no reason.  We’re either queuing or stowing our shit.  We absolutely need to stow our shit.  I can’t stow my shit from the window or middle seat because I can’t reach the overhead bins from there.  I can reach the overhead bins from the aisle seat, but not from any angle where I’m going to avoid pulling a muscle or dropping the entire carry on onto the head of the nun passing by (the one you wanted me to make way for).

I mean really, if you want I can put my shit onto my lap but then the person sitting at the window seat who rudely boarded after me and is now asking me to make way has to wait until…I’ve stowed my shit.  Or, you’re just going to come along and point out that I can’t put my shit on my lap and I still need to stow my shit.

Now if I was David Copperfield, I might be able to get into my seat and perhaps have my shit levitate until you are ready for me to get back into the aisle and stow it properly, but then again if I was him I’d be rich enough to not fly your shitty airline or even be powerful enough to have my shit stow itself by telekinesis, or even to just teleport to my destination and not even bother with flying my jet, which I just have for show.

The bottom line…I need to stow my shit.  Give me the time I need to do it then I will very happily get out of the fucking way.

Telling me I need to put my tray table up while I am clearly packing the things that were on it away.

It’s like I’m not working fast enough or something, right?  Seriously, you can see what I am doing…laptop is closed and I’m fumbling with a bunch of trash you haven’t collected – there is no need to take the piss and point out the obvious.

Giving me 1/3rd of the can to drink

I recognize your boss wants you to keep costs low and serve less drinks, but recognize I just paid $500 for a ticket and got fleeced on checked luggage charges.  I want to drink more than 1/3 of a canned drink on a 4 hour flight.

Nowadays when asked what I would like to drink I no longer say ‘a coke’, I say ‘a CAN of coke’.  9/10 times it works but there is always the occasional arsehole who will toe the company line and you have to fight with.  On my last flight I think I mentioned the word CAN four whole times as the drink was ordered – clearly there was some kind of wording battle going, lines trying to be drawn in the sand prior to the drink being handed over.  I won BTW.

Giving me 1/3rd of the can to drink and then giving yoga mom in the next seat the entire tomato juice

Really, just because nobody else wants that stuff?

Tip: Before I got into the habit of asking for a can, I routinely used to order more obscure things like cranberry apple in order to be that person ordering the shit nobody else wants.  This worked right up until the invention of the iPad, a point in time where coincidentally more hipsters seemingly started to fly and ordered the same healthy shit, now much sought after (so much so that Yoga Mom is forced to order wine by the time her turn comes around and you’ve ran out of your cans of runny vegetable shit).

Single drinks service

I actually want to drink more than one drink on a two hour plus flight and no, I don’t understand why sometimes you are served more than one drink and at other times, just one.  If you get two drinks on one four hour flight and then one on the return journey, it’s obviously not company policy and something probably went wrong.  Sort it!

No drinks service at all

I might be thirsty because I was served a 3rd of a can, or a drink five hours ago…but sometimes I’m not served one at all and not just on the very short or bumpy flights either.

Getting pissy when I ask for a drink

When I sometimes have to push the button and ask for a drink there’s no need to treat me as if I do think you are my personal slave (read the linked article this is one of the attendant complaints).  I’m thirsty – no need to think badly of me and the fact is if you catch me rooting through all the drawers in the ‘galley’ to serve myself you’re likely to think I’m undertaking some sort of terrorist act in this day and age.   I therefore have to ask.

Getting pissy when I ask, again for a drink

Yes.  I’ve had to do this and not due to impatience on my part.  I know you’re busy, but whenever I’ve had to do this it’s also clear you had actually forgot so there’s no need to pretend I am the asshole in this scenario (well…I probably still am some kind of asshole, but not the asshole at fault in this scenario).  I still can’t serve myself so I do have to ask and therefore there’s no need to be rude.

Asking me to move my carry on from the overhead bins in the ‘important persons’ cabin

I looked ahead when boarding and saw there was no space above where I was to sit.  The important people had already boarded and already used the space they needed and there is now some spare room above where they sit.  Why not use it?  Do you really therefore need me to walk all the way down to row 25 just to stow my shit in the poor persons cabin when I am actually a poor person sitting in row 8?  No, I don’t mind the walk…I do however not want to fight the tide when everyone is deplaning.

Using up all the overhead space for your own shit

I know, you’re traveling and you need space for your own shit too.  But could you all space it out a little bit please?  I mean do you ALL OF YOU really have to put ALL YOUR SHIT in the same area of the aircraft so that only the first person boarding in that entire cabin gets a shot at the one space you all left, which coincidentally is also always next to the compartment full of emergency equipment ‘n shit thus extending the poor persons ‘area of no fucking overhead cabin space’ to be the entire three bins on each side of the aisle at the back of the aircraft.

Yes all flight attendants on UA 1402 Houston to Bonaire and back this also applies to you!  Especially you – for some reason your baggage takes up more space than the island you’re flying to.

You see for me, other than a handful of items it’s all about the drink.  It’s a good job they don’t serve free food anymore isn’t it?

Seriously however (setting aside the above well intended humor that isn’t at all making any kind of hint, sort of) after reading the linked click bait article I’ve decided to greet the attendants more often when I board the plane and be nicer when they ask me what drink I want.  I have always used please and thank you BTW, but my English manners are not enough on their own.  Let’s all agree to be more human and make the skies a better place.